I Won't Have What Joaquin Phoenix is Having

Not if it's going to make me cranky or slur (to the point where other people notice).

Yeah, you've probably heard: Joaquin Phoenix says he's quitting acting for good. Well now, here's the video of his announcement.



Call me crazy, but I think he may have been on something. Although in defense of Phoenix being a crankpot, that Extra reporter did lean on him while laughing in his face.

Also, that mustache totally disguises his cleft lip. (Apparently the term harelip is offensive, so don't go around saying it as you point at people.)

Oh, and this isn't the first time Phoenix, 34, has been fucked up on camera. I seem to remember an appearance he made on Leno in the early 2000s. Unfortunately, I can't find it anywhere.

Still looking...

Okay the episode I'm talking about aired on May 10, 2000. But I still can't find the clip. At the end of the interview Leno says, "Maybe next time you can be here in person"--or something to that effect.

[Video via ICYDK]

And Now They're Bringing Back Melrose Place

Are the creative minds of the television world truly strapped for fresh ideas?! The answer is (obviously) yes.

Thanks to the moderate success of the new 90210, an unnamed CW spokesperson says "the network is developing an update of Melrose Place."

Cue 'Ughs' and groans.

"Details remain sketchy, but it's believed Melrose 2.0 would launch next fall," according to Entertainment Weekly.

And earlier this month--90210 and Melrose creator--Darren Starr told TVGuide.com: "Regardless of whether they do it or not, whether I'm part of it or not, I think it would be a fun thing to do."

Fun for who exactly, I'm not sure.

Also, there's no way to top the episode where Dr. Kimberly Shaw (aka Marcia Cross) takes off her wig and reveals her GIANT head scar. [Clip Below]

Thoughts?

Selma Blair Entertains Paparazzi

Check out this magical clip Selma Blair made for Funny or Die.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

They went a little overboard, but it still elicits a "heh." Although, if those were real paps, Blair obviously should have flipped em' the bird, pulled out a boob or uttered a slew of profanities while flailing her fists.

Dr. Romy and Ms. Michele

Katie Price has the answer to this vexing question that plagues women everyday: 'Am I in the mood for straight hair, or am I in the mood for curls?'

Yes, Price, 30, has figured out that you can have both. And the same philosophy goes for clothing and shoes.

Because you know you've been forced to choose between a two-tone satin mini-dress, and a frilly, iridescent-pink négligée/tutu-thing that shows off the lower portion of your butt.

Prolific writer, Katie Price pimping her new line of hair care products at Superdrug in London on Wednesday; images via The Superficial.

Is the Romy and Michele reference too outdated?

Jessica Simpson Is a Major Movie Star...In Russia

Yes, according to Us, Jessica Simpson's highly anticipated Major Movie Star debuted at number one in Russia on October 9.

Lest you've forgotten, in the film Simpson, 28, plays a down-and-out Hollywood actress who decides to enlist in the U.S. Army.

Also, get ready Bulgarians, Major Movie Star is coming to a theater near you next month.

Unfortunately the U.S. release date (if there ever is one) is TBA...as is the case for EVERY country where "English is the primary language," according to FOX News.

Now I get why my blog is only popular in Turkmenistan.

Image via LarrySeymourMusic.com.

Shia LaBeouf Totes Luggage in Advanced Stage of Decay

Shia LaBeouf hit up LAX on Monday and...

...his luggage looks like a medieval dog carrier...or something. Seriously though, that thing looks like it has already started to decompose.

[DListed]

And I thought my janky duct-taped suitcase--with a missing wheel--was bad. (Okay, fine, kidding. But you know you've seen the type, making its way around the baggage carousel.)

Whoa, Janice From Mean Girls Gets Naked

Okay so I was watching HBO's new lukewarm series True Blood--specifically an episode called "Burning House of Love"--and there was this hot love scene involving one of the main characters--Jason (aka Ryan Kwanten)-- and some chick--Amy Burley-- he met at Fangtasia--a vampire bar.

Just so you know the sequence of events, after leaving Fantgasia the two got high on vampire blood (I know, weird); and followed it up with trippy sex. [Clip Below]

Anyway, long story, short, Amy piqued my interest (and looked really hot, BTW) so I decided to do an IMDb search for the actress. And it turns out Amy is actually Lizzy Caplan i.e. Janice Ian from Mean Girls!

I never would have guessed Burley and Ian were played by the same person (and I've seen Mean Girls like six times).

Caplan as Amy in said trippy, True Blood love scene (so NSFW!).



Caplan as Janice Ian in Mean Girls.

[Click to Enlarge]

Who knew she was so smokin'?!

Image via Fan Pop.

Correction: So turns out Amy and Jason did not actually have (fake) sex in the aforementioned episode of True Blood. It just looked like they did.

Gavin Rossdale Holds the Bacon

Har!

Gwen Stefani, 39, and Gavin Rossdale, 40, dressed as eggs and bacon (sort of) for a Halloween party over the weekend; images via The Superficial.

P.S. Apparently Kate Hudson threw her own Halloween bash on Friday...

...which Cindy Crawford attended, dressed as Amy Winehouse. (Yes that's supposed to be a trail of blow under her nose.)

Visit X-17 Online for the scoop.

Hilary Swank is a Dork

The two-time Academy Award-winning actress danced around like a goof on Monday's episode of Ellen.



Try as I might, it's hard to dislike Swank, 34. She's just so gosh darn upbeat and glowy.

Police Identify Body of Julian King

People mag: Police have identified the body of a young boy discovered in an SUV in Chicago as Jennifer Hudson's missing nephew Julian King, police Supt. Jody Weis said on Monday.

The body was discovered "in the rear seat" of a white Chevrolet Suburban on Chicago's West Side Monday morning, according to the Chicago Police Department. He suffered multiple gunshot wounds, according to reports.

King, 7, went missing Friday after an unidentified assailant fatally shot Hudson's mother Darnell and brother Jason. Over the weekend, Hudson, 27, offered $100,000 for the safe return of her nephew.

The Chicago Police Department issued the following statement before noon on Monday: "At approximately 7:06 A.M. a 1994 White Chevrolet Suburban bearing Illinois license plate X584859 and identified in the Amber Alert was located at 1313 S. Kolin. A body was discovered inside the Suburban, in the rear seat of the vehicle."

Info. via People.

So sad :'(

AMBER ALERT FOR JULIAN KING! Jennifer Hudson's Mother and Brother Fatally Shot

The mother and brother of Jennifer Hudson were the two victims of a fatal shooting in Chicago, the actress's publicist confirmed to People tonight.

"We can confirm that there is an ongoing investigation concerning the deaths of Jennifer Hudson's mother, Darnell Donerson, and her brother, Jason Hudson," rep Lisa Kasteler said.

The details are scarce, but police say the shooting appeared to be the result of a domestic disturbance.

A 7-year-old boy--Julian King [pictured left]-- believed to be Donerson's grandson-- is missing, and a search is on for a man. An Amber Alert for King has been issued.

THE MAN IDENTIFIED AS WILLIAM BALFOUR, 27, MAY BE DRIVING EITHER A WHITE CHEVROLET SUBURBAN (ILLINOIS X584859) OR A TEAL CHRYSLER CONCORD FOUR-DOOR WITH THE FRONT HEADLIGHT HANGING DOWN (TEMPORARY ILLINOIS 332K823).

If you have any information please contact the Chicago Police Department by calling 9-1-1.

It's a sad day indeed. :(


For more details visit People or the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children.

Update: Balfour, 27, has been taken into custody and is being questioned by authorities, the Associated Press reports. No charges have been filed.

King is still missing.

For additional information visit AP or Chicago Breaking News.

Radar is Folding

And it's a sad day.

"The magazine is gone and the Web site is being reincarnated," said a Radar staffer who attended a meeting convened by editor Maer Roshan this morning.

The web site has been sold to AMI and will be redesigned and rebuilt to "become a competitor to TMZ," a source told NYO. David Pecker, the editor-in-chief of The National Enquirer will become the managing editor of the new web site. [NY Observer]

Wow! That sucks! RadarOnline is great as is (esp. Fresh Intelligence).

And I cringe at the thought of two TMZ's.

Condolences to Radar's staff. That blows!

[NYO via Daily Intel]

Meet Hugh Hefner's New Twin Gold Diggers

In case you're out of the loop, Holly, Bridget and Kendra (who I admittedly kinda like) are out, and a whole new bevy of bimbos is in, including 19-year-old twin sisters (gross) Karissa and Kristina Shannon. [Pictured Above]

Forget that Hugh Hefner, 82, and his girlfriends have orgies together, so that's kind of like incest, the Shannon sisters seem a little too enamored with their new lifestyle.

Case in point: their joint Myspace page, which includes a photo album titled "PLAYBOY CALIFORNIA!"

Yeah, they really want you to know they hang out live at the Playboy Mansion, so they've included pictures of "THE GRATTO!" (which they spelled incorrectly in the caption accompanying this pic), TWO pictures of the front of "THE PLAYBOY MANSION!" and a pic of "THE MAIN ROOM IN THE PLAYBOY MANSION!"

[Click to Enlarge]
Which most of us have already seen on the Girls Next Door.

The Shannon Twins also included some blurry-ass pictures of themselves standing next to and kissing their shared wrinkly boyfriend.


And then there's this humorously titled pic: "holly having fun at dinner."


It's hard to tell, due to the size, but Holly totally looks like she was having a blast...considering the photographer (aka Karissa or Kristina) was literally trying to move in on her old man.

Which brings us to the twins' takeover of Hef's Myspace page. Instant Update: Actually I think they just created a new one. The old one has sort of been abandoned.

[Click to Enlarge]

Note "Hugh's" personal quote: "Managed By Kristina and Karissa Shannon;" and his choice of song: Manfred Mann's "Blinded by the Light."

Karissa and Kristina have come a long way since their days of beating people with blunt objects (shame they're still in to tag teaming (sorry)).

Yes, in addition to their love of the exclamation point, the Shannons' have a penchant for fighting; sometimes with each other.

According to TMZ, Karissa bashed a former Wing House(?) co-worker--Erica Civello-- over the head with a beer bottle in January and then both sisters "jumped her." The incident landed them in a Petersberg, Florida jail for felony aggravated battery; and left Civello with a concussion. [TMZ]

Enter mugshots.

Karissa

Kristina

In a separate incident in November 2007, Karissa was arrested on a misdemeanor battery charge...for repeatedly kicking her sister in the head.

Also according to TMZ:

"When cops showed up, Kristina was lying on the ground outside their apartment 'wearing only blue jean pants' and 'bleeding from her nose,' while Karissa was standing over Kristina asking who had done this, 'as if she had no idea what had happened.' Best part: a neighbor said he witnessed the one twin kicking the other twin in the face, though 'he could not identify which sister was which.' Karissa eventually fessed up."

Images via Shannons' Myspace, Hef's Myspace and Scandalist.

Kevin Smith: "I'm Really, Really Fat Right Now"

Kevin Smith (aka Silent Bob) took to his blog recently and vowed to lose a bunch of unwanted weight after he's done promoting his new movie Zack and Miri Make a Porno.

Smith, 38, writes:

"Fuck, I wish I was still that thin [in reference to his picture on the cover of this month's issue of Complex]. I’ve porked the fuck out, man. I’m really, really fat right now. Fattest I’ve ever been. But as soon as this flick’s out, I’m taking my life back; gonna drop out of sight and drop a bunch of pounds. It’s the deal I’ve made with myself. Just gotta make it through the next two and half weeks of press and running around."

Good to know guys go through this too. And you know Smith's baggy pedal pushers are probably one of only a few pants he has that fit.

Those denim "aha moments" totally suck, BTW. When you're like "Oh eff, none of my jeans fit." But maybe that's just me (sounding like a total fatass).

This is Your Face on Drugs

[Click to Enlarge]

This pic of Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson was snapped at a Deejay gig in D.C. over the weekend; via The Superficial.

You Know Your Boyfriend's Too Young for You...

...when you're 49 and he still carries around a skateboard.

Another giveaway is if he's a year older than your son...and they went to the same high school! Just sayin'.

Click to enlarge:

[The Superficial]

Linda Hogan, 49, and her boyfriend, 19-year-old, Charley Hill arriving at LAX yesterday; via The Superficial.

Anne Hathaway Has a Crush, Overfloweth with Joy

It may be bumsville for her jailed ex-boyfriend Raffaello Follieri (who is currently angling for a three-year prison sentence), but Anne Hathaway (who of late has become "vaguely vegan" and a spokesmodel for Lancôme) is downright giddy.

Also, according to People, she has a "sexy new mystery man."

"This guy I know in L.A. is kind of doing it for me right now," the actress told the mag at the London premiere of her new movie Rachel Getting Married (for which she's getting Oscar buzz) "When I think of sexy, I think of him."

She added, "You know when sometimes you don't know someone very well – you'll probably never see them again – but you just meet them and you're like 'WOW, you really have it going on'?"

Yeaah.

As Jennifer Aniston might say, Hathaway is missing a sensitivity chip.

Click to enlarge more pictures of Hathaway, 25, at the London premiere of Rachel Getting Married; Oct. 20, 2008.

[Via AnneHathawayFan.com]

Info. via People.

The Palin Fam Gets $150,000 in Clothes, It Isn't Fair

It turns out the $2,500 shantung silk Valentino jacket [seen above] Sarah Palin wore during her RNC speech was just one example of her exorbitant sartorial spending.

According to Poltico, "The Republican National Committee has spent more than $150,000 to clothe and accessorize the vice presidential candidate and her family since her surprise pick by John McCain in late August." (So not fair.)

Financial disclosure records reveal that Palin's spendthrift shopping sprees included a $75,062-trip to Neiman Marcus in September and two trips to Saks that--when combined--added up to a $49,425 bill. The RNC also spent $4,716 on hair and makeup through September after reporting no such costs in August, according to Politico.

How very working class.

And just cause, here's what Palin, 44, rocks when left to her own fashion devices...

... I know.

FYI:This picture of the gov--chattin' it up with baby in tow--was taken at an Alaskan grocery store...in June! [Image via HuffPo]

[Politico via Gawker]

The Stay Puft Marshmallow Dog is Embarrassed

This French Bulldog was one of many mortified pups who took part in the 2008 Halloween Howl Dog Costume Contest in NYC this weekend. Click here to see more pics.

Also, his costume is officially more embarrassing for canine kind than when I dressed my Pomeranian (Pappy) up as Santa.

Pappy wasn't thrilled about being a reindeer either.


Man she's going to kill me.

[istolethetv's Flickr via Daily Intel]

Sarah Palin Does SNL, Amy Poehler Raps

So the Tina Fey as Sarah Palin shtick may never end on SNL. But hey, at least it's funny. And this time the real Sarah Palin took part, appearing in the opening and Weekend Update skits.



More women need to rap while they're in their third trimester. Big ups Amy Poehler.



Oh yeah, and Mark Wahlberg also stopped by SNL. Cast member Andy Samberg made fun of the actor a couple weeks ago in a funny skit called "Mark Wahlberg Talks to Animals." Wahlberg however, didn't react kindly i.e. he kinda acted like a jerk afterward. So in an effort to atone for being an ass, Wahlberg, 37, talked to one (an ass that is).

Just watch the clip.

The Crazy Faces of Sen. John McCain

Visit Gawker to see more.

Also see: McCain's Senior Moments [Gawker] Clip below.
Daily Intel did it first (hilarious!), but Gawker did it better (hilarious-er!).

Alien Gets Beamed Down to Walk Red Carpet

Melanie "Scary Spice" Brown on the red carpet at the MOBO (Music of Black Origin) Awards in London on Wednesday night; images via DListed.

Aubrey O'Day and Aundrea Fimbres Don't Talk to Each Other?

Okay so in case you missed the season finale of Making the Band 4 season 3 on Tuesday night, Aubrey O'Day is out of the group...and so is D.Woods. Although there's probably going to be yet another season of Making the Band 4, so we'll see if the oustings stick. (Also see my previous posting on the subject.)


That's not really the point of this posting though. No, what struck me more than the breakup of Danity Kane, is when P. Diddy Daddy asked (last episode) why O'Day, 24, and, fellow DK member, Aundrea Fimbres never talk to each other.

Neither answered his question.

But O'Day and Fimbres, 25, don't talk?!

Really?!


Cause I thought they were supposed to be like BFFs or something.

See clip of O'Day and Fimbres as they blubber and profess their love for each other during the penultimate episode of Making the Band 3 season 2.





Also of note from last night's episode: Donnie Klang, 23, said he and O'Day "had a falling out." Wonder if it's because he talked about her mom's enormous fake boobs on satellite radio?

Images via O'Day's Myspace and YouTube.

P.S. And I'll be honest, I totally had to Google Aundrea to find out her last name.

Mischa Barton has Taste

And no, I'm not kidding. See my interests.

Image via Defamer.

Mark Wahlberg Does NOT Talk to Animals, Spits Nails

Remember when I told you about the funny SNL skit entitled "Mark Wahlberg Talks to Animals"? Well apparently the real Wahlberg, 37, isn't happy about the Andy Samberg spoof.

The former underwear model vented to NYP recently, saying:

"Someone showed it to me on YouTube. It wasn't like Tina Fey doing Sarah Palin, that's for sure. And Saturday Night Live hasn't been funny for a long time. They've asked me to do the show a ton of times. I used to watch it when Eddie Murphy was there and Joe Piscopo and Bill Murray. I don't even know who's on the show now."

So not a big deal especially when you see what all the fuss is about:



Lighten up.

Q&A with Mark Wahlberg [NYP]

Image via Philly.com.