Lindsay Lohan in October 'Elle'

[Click to Enlarge]

Lindsay Lohan is (unflatteringly featured) in a series of photos for the October issue of Elle, supposedly, because she's some sort of go-to girl for style. And conveniently enough, it afforded LiLo the opportunity to pimp a tattered-looking pair of leggings [seen above] from her line-- 6126 (so named because that's Marylin Monroe's birthday).

More than anything, though, I wonder what the heck was Elle thinking with this spread?' (No offense to photographer Stephen Shore.) The funky cropping, in some of the photos, lends a weird catalog vibe. And that aside, Lohan looks pretty effing terrible (exempting maybe the top pic).


This pic [below] was a candidate for the most fug, despite a cute green, wool and silk Oscar de la Renta dress, because when enlarged to scale Lohan, 22, looks like an old, haggard, bleached-out mess.

Also, it looks like her left eye is freaking missing. However, worse still...

Elle had her rock a pair of, the much ridiculed, frumpy Katie Holmes jeans.

The rest of the mess...

Elizabeth Smart Speaks to "People"

Elizabeth Smart, 20, who was abducted from her home in Salt Lake City, Utah in in 2002, has remained relatively mum about her experience. She was found in the company of Brian David Mitchell and Wanda Ileen Barzee, a married couple, nine months later, about 18 miles from her home. Her alleged abductors were indicted on kidnapping charges, but were later determined unfit to stand trial. And that's pretty much all we ever found out about what happened.

Now Smart is on the cover of the latest issue of People, which hits newsstands on Friday. She supposedly decided to share her "Untold Story."Let's hope it's interesting, and People's not just effing with us. Cough cough, celebrity fitness issue, cough.

Remember when Smart talked to CNN's Nancy Grace, 48, in 2006?



"How did you see out of that thing?"

Visit People for more on this new issue.
Image via People.

When Words Get Taken Out of Context

Billy Ray Cyrus went On Air with Ryan Seacrest (KISS-FM radio show) today to talk about his "bizarre life," among other things.

Cyrus said: "I was catching these crawdads [with daughter Noah, 8] and all the sudden this paparazzi lady jumps out with this big bazooka lens and starts snapping away. My little girl Noah looks up and says, 'Is that Annie Leibovitz?'"

Now add the Us Weekly spin.

A semi-funny anecdote turns into an insult.

As much as I love Us, if I hadn't bothered to read the rest of the story I'd have been mislead. Not good.

Update: I guess this is kinda better.

Still, it leads you to believe he's talking about Miley. Just sayin'.

Shame on "Star"

This is the cover of this week's issue of Star magazine.

It would lead you to believe that Angelina Jolie had, well, collapsed.

But lo. It's just a picture of Brad Pitt and U2's The Edge helping her up at the beach.



There just went more of Star's credibility.

I admit Jolie rubs me the wrong way. But I dislike being mislead even more.

P.S. I'm not saying Jolie didn't collapse. I've read she "swooned" and fell. Obvs she didn't in this picture, though.

I saw this on Jezebel.
Images via Cover Awards.

Um, Wow!

I know that "From Meth Addict to Mom" shit is accurate. But wasn't there a better way to phrase that, or leave that for the pages on the inside? Is there a euphemism shortage at People? Poor Stephanie Tanner (Jodie Sweetin, 25).

Today Around the Blogosphere...

Due to that stupid shit she said, actress Sharon Stone, 50, has been banned from the Shanghai International Film Festival, set to take place June 14-22, 2008. [People]
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mary-Kate Olsen, 21, still refuses to comment on how she was the first person called after Heath Leger was found dead in his apartment in January. She sat down with Elle for its July issue and said: "I'm not going to comment on that. I won't give you a word about that in the nicest way possible. Let's move on."[People]

Fair enough. But that means I can continue to speculate that she's a druggie with something to hide.



That said, I've yet to read the article in Elle. I'll get back to you about it after my blogosphere posting.

Images via People and Elle.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kelsey Grammer, 53, was released from the hospital on Wednesday after suffering a minor heart attack last weekend. [Us]

See my previous posting for more details.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


More mercenary whoreage. Avril Lavigne, 23, is said to be launching a fragrance line, directed toward her teen fans, in 2009. [People]

Image via Aisha Music.












--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Celebrity reality star and former rehab patient Brigitte Nielson (who also did a stint with Flava Flav) is going to have her face serviced, i.e. she's getting the plastic surgery works.

I kinda think she needs to.

The 45-year-old Danish-born giantess said: “I’m doing a complete overhaul, a basic renovation, facelift, eyelift, facial fat injections with my own fat, liposuction and I need new teeth." [People]

Oh yeah, and she's having it all done on TV (shocker), which means she won't have to pay for it.

"I feel like 30 and I want to look it, too,” Nielson added. Isn't having unrealistic expectations supposed to be a red flag for surgeons? Doesn't that mean it's unethical to operate on her?

Whatevs. We know all that moral talk is BS. Case in point.

Nielson seems like a good sport. I hope she winds up looking better.

"German broadcaster RTL will show three episodes of Turning Something Old Into Something New: Brigitte Nielsen in the Celebrity Beauty Clinic in July." [People]

Image via Moldova.org.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Other Half Gets $15 Million for Baby Pictures

Apparently we live in a world where magazines shell out $15 million for the exclusive rights to effing baby pictures.

Word around the sphere is, People and OK! Magazine are in a bidding war over the first pictures of Brangelina's imminently due twins. Reportedly the bid is up to $15 million, and it could be on the rise.

Whatever the going rate, it'll go to charity. And to that I say, that money would have been better spent as a down payment on a yacht. A nice, new (not to mention big) yacht.

People paid around $4 million for the first pics of Shiloh Jolie-Pitt, 2, back in 2006. And in March, pics of JLo and Skeletor's twins fetched between $5 million-to-$6 million. [DListed] How measly.

I would seriously get knocked-up and pop out a baby to take pictures of for a fraction of that. $100,000? I'm there. I'm eventually going to have kids anyway. Have your people call my people, uh, People.

Image via The Huffington Post.

Angelina Jolie "VF," Says She'll Celebrate Kwanzaa

There's a lot of Angelina Jolie, 32, to take in, in the July issue of Vanity Fair.

To start, she sports a green wig (Why exactly? I'm not sure).

Yeah she still manages to look hot.

And then there's this 5,000+ word article in which, among other things, she says she plans to celebrate Kwanzaa for daughter Zahara, 3, whom she and Brad Pitt, 44, adopted from Ethiopia in 2005.

Jolie says: “[My mother] was Catholic but also a child of the 60s. She stopped going to confession at one point because she was having sex before marriage. To me, she represented what religion should be. She never preached. If things didn’t make sense to her, she never just accepted it. I had Communion, but she never forced me to go to church. Brad got me this great thing for Christmas. It’s a bookshelf that has a book on every religion. That’s how we plan to raise our kids. Teach them about all religions. They can pick one or be a student of all of them. We’ll celebrate Kwanzaa for our girl. We’ll celebrate moon and water festivals for our boys. We’ll take them to temples in certain countries. Also to church.”

Sorry guys there's something about her I kinda don't like. She's so famous and atop a sky-high pedestal. She almost seems inhuman. Don't hate me.


Update: The explanation for the green wig, "Green is the new black, or so they say. The wig was Jolie’s idea."

Nice segue! There's sarcasm in this tone.



Images via Vanity Fair.

Crazy Tyra Banks "NYT" Profile Available Now

[Click to Enlarge if You Dare]

Insane.

The New York Times Magazine Lynn Hirschberg profile on Tyra Banks, 34, hit the Interweb today. Sorry guys I can't bring myself to read it. It's fucking long. I'm talking 8,000 words (i.e. 10 pages) long.

I might have been more inclined to read it, if the lede hadn't been: "Tyra Banks has 275 smiles."

Or if the first Banks quote hadn't been: “Smiles come naturally to me, but I started thinking of them as an art form at my command. I studied all the time. I looked at magazines, I’d practice in front of the mirror and I’d ask photographers about the best angles. I can now pull out a smile at will.”

I get it. You're a teeth baring pro.

Luckily the girls over at Jezebel read it, condensed it and provided their own funny annotation. Doin' what they do.

Image via NYT Magazine.

P.S. I'd say she's smiling with her eyes a little in the picture she's not supposed to. And that Cowardly Lion mane they gave her is freaking distracting.

Word dude.

Tyra Banks on the Cover of "NYT Magazine"

Tyra Banks, 34, fronts the upcoming issue of The New York Times Magazine.

Bleh :/

If NYT had to put her on there, couldn't it have used a normal picture? This one's scary. And why does anyone need to interview Banks? She manages to talk about herself in every conversation she has already.

Which might pose a bigger problem than you'd think. I read that the Lynn Hirschberg profile on Banks will mention her "275 smiles." Yes I'm serious. Anyone who has seen her try to teach contestants on ANTM how to smile with their eyes knows what I'm talking about. It's a frightening phenomenon.

Anywho, the said "275 smiles" reportedly range from "angry but still smiling" to "flirting with boyfriend." Sounds like riveting stuff.

I'll take another Emily Gould cover (did she make the print version?) over this shiz.

Info. via Jezebel.
Photo via the Unnamed.

Truly Vomitous*!

Why'd you have to go and do this In Touch? Why?

The real caption almost made me barf. Stroke his ego much. It should have said something to the effect of "Perez Hilton looks hobbit-like as Antonio Sabato Jr. stands blithely by."

Or

"Perez Hilton twiddles his thumbs and channels Waldo while Antonio Sabato Jr. smiles strangely because his diaper needs changing."

But whatevs the mag obviously wants to be on Hilton's good side.

BTW: Where'd he get that, three-sizes-too-small, Growing Up Gotti chain? I gotta get me one.

* We make up words around here.

Today Around the Blogosphere...

LOL! In its June issue Allure magazine published an illustrated guide on how to take a shower!! I know journalists are encouraged to "dumb-things-down" for their audience (which I'm in favor of because me stupid). But really? WTF?!?

[Click to Enlarge]

To be fair, If I hadn't seen this diagram I probably never would have figured out the part about toweling off.

Check out the Jezebel posting. It's funnier.
Image via Jezebel.

Dancing is Not Enough to Get a Body Like Hough's

Two-time Dancing with the Stars champion Julianne Hough is on the cover of the July issue of Shape; and she says, "There are certain areas of the body that dancing won't tone."

Uh, not from where I'm lying on the couch eating processed food out of a bag.

The amazingly fit 20-year-old opts for a 5-day workout plan, in addition to dancing.

Huh??!

"I stretch and do crunches, lunges, and arm moves just about every day," Hough says.

Her workout also includes the treadmill, free-weights and choreography.

Have fun with that Hough, you fabulous-looking creature you.

This issue of Shape hits newsstands June 2.

Photo and info. via People.

At the behest of a reader, here's the link for Hough's music video "That Song in My Head."

First Wedding Photo of Ashlee & Pete

People has the first wedding photo of Ashlee Simpson, 23, and Pete Wentz, 28, on its latest cover. According to the mag, the rocker-ish ceremony boasted 10,000 black roses and chandeliers dripping with crystals.


But of more importance--in the lower left corner-- is a picture of Jessica Simpson, 27, and Tony Romo, 28 at the reception or rehearsal dinner. She really doesn't want us to think they're broken up...becomes desperate-looking and annoying in the process.


Apparently, the mag bought the photos for "well over" a million dollars, i.e. People spent waaaay more than Simpson has made off her latest CD--Bittersweet World. [TMZ]

"Elle" in June: Rihanna & Ridiculous Beauty Procedures

If you couldn't tell, I did a lot of airplane "reading."

Consequently, I found the June issue of Elle, i.e. the "Shape Issue," disconcerting. It's really pushin' the old plastic surgery. Here's a choice quote from a story on different PS procedures: "liposuction is the only way to change your body-fat proportion." "And the sole method for ensuring the tissue grows where you want it is to have a doctor put it there." Niiiice. Reassuring.

I guess it's also good to know that facial fat is divided into 10 distinct compartments. (Seriously though, after reading that I was never more aware of each one. Nor was I ever more grateful for, or nervous about, my ephemeral youth.)

I don't want my fragile, parchment-like eyelids to fall and fuglify me. Snip snip. And I definitely don't want my triangular fat pad to slide down and hollow out my face. Time for a preemptive strike.

I'm probably better off knowing that, God forbid, should my jowls start to sag, the only real way to fix them is through radio-frequency or infrared devices such as Thermage or Titan, respectively; technologies, which "tighten the junction between skin and fat."

In another article, I read about how to make your legs not embarrassing within 24-hours. All you have to do is...

1. Change your diet, i.e eat asparagus and stay away from diet Coke.

2. Take a shower then immediately slather your legs in cellulite cream. Saran Wrap your legs. Put on a pair of sweats. Then stand on your head.

3. Early the next day, go to the gym and do "umpteen thousand lunges, squats, kicks, and pliés.

4. Have a Resculpting Facialist, use a handheld wand that shoots a mild galvanic current into your thighs...for an hour. It "eliminates excess fluids and speeds microcirculation."

5. Get a glycolic peel and vibradermabrasion.

6. Have a make-up artist coat your legs in tanner and bronzer.

Seriously?!?! Ridiculousness aside, that regimen sounds damn expensive.

But hey, at least "Good Girl Gone Great," Rihanna, 20,
looks hot on the cover.

Apparently she bristles when she asked about her rumored affair with Jay-Z, 38, which supposedly pissed off Beyoncé, 26. Rihanna denies it of course.

And wouldn't you?!? Who wants people thinking you hooked-up with a guy who looks like the, little person, porn star/comedian, Lester "Beetlejuice" Green?

Left: Beetlejuice. Right: Jay-Z.

Images via Elle and Just Jared.

"Vogue" in June: SJP & Pomeranians

Sarah Jessica Parker, 42, is featured in the June issue of Vogue. In it she continues to talk Sex (to death), redundantly maintains she's actually priggish in real-life; and sports a sick pair of chunky Nina Ricci pumps and a silver-ish Chanel bouclé suit. [Fig. 1 & 2 respectively]

Also of note, Vogue scribe Plum Skyes writes SJP's "wonderful translucent skin belies her 42 years." But Emily Nussbaum, author of that NY Magazine feature we all liked so much, says Parker looks her age.

Something's seriously amiss. Alert the pr...oh.

Either way, the main attraction in this issue is a pack of pretty-perfect-looking pomeranians.

[Fig. 1]

[Click to Enlarge]


[Fig. 2]

Vogue carroled super Canadian, Polish-Ukrainian, Daria Werbowy, 24, and Pierce Brosnan, 55, to pull off the San Francisco based pictorial, set in the era of Alfred Hitchcock's Vertigo. Still, all I saw was pom...

[Click to Enlarge]

Photos: Mario Testino.



...and this pair of Brian Atwood pumps that I CAN'T have.

More pomeranian pictures.

Tom's Power Grip

This is funny...in a scary kind of way.

[Featured in the new US Weekly]


Maybe Julia Roberts, 40, just has poor circulation.

Images courtesy Jezebel's "Midweek Madness."

"Bachelor" Winner Poses For "GGW" Magazine

Shayne Lamas, 22, who was announced winner of The Bachelor last night, is doing what every respectable woman should...after she goes on national television, along with a bunch of other ladies, to vie for the affection of a man.

She's posing for a six-page pictorial in Girls Gone Wild magazine. And look, she made the cover.




Who says she's in it for the publicity? And Girls Gone Wild? Really?


The actual feature about her (you know that thing with a bunch of words) is likely to be boring because it was written before Lamas was allowed to divulge that she'd won. Sorry, she doesn't pose nude either.

I'm not sure when or where you can buy the magazine, which costs $9.99. Believe me I tried to find out. Like I've said in the past, I don't support Joe Francis products anyway.

Images via People.

Mischa Barton's Cellulite Started a Trend

Ewww!!!! Look at the front page of this week's National Enquirer.


It's says Jen's been cheated on again. Okay, so that's not really why I posted this.

Dlisted says the "Guess Who?" on the left is that random celebolite Phoebe Denise Price. Yuck-O! That's beyond cottage cheese. She has chasms.

Damn Mischa Barton, why'd you have to go and lounge topless in Australia? Look what you started.

Image via Dlisted.

Denise Richards on the Cover of "Redi"?

Denise Richards is on the cover of some weird magazine called Redi.

What? That's actually the cover of the June issue of Redbook. Should someone tell them to fix that; or ask Richards to kindly move her big head? I feel like I'm watching the weather on the 6 o'clock news.

Anyway, Richards, 37, talks about her new E! reality show in the latest issue of Redbook. She calls it a "no win situation," saying "If I have my kids on my show, I'm exploiting them. If I don't, people will think I'm not a hands on mom – That's why it's very important to me that the girls are part of it."

Wait, you'd rather exploit your kids than have people think you're not a hands on mom?!?!

Seems logical.

If the reality show situation is "no win," why do one?

It's Complicated, aka The Denise Richards reality show, debuts May 26 on E!.

Image via Us. You can read more of Richards's Redbook interview on the Us Web site.

Update: Ok so I saw this magazine in person, and you can actually see the "B" in Redbook.