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Wednesday, May 21, 2008

"Elle" in June: Rihanna & Ridiculous Beauty Procedures

If you couldn't tell, I did a lot of airplane "reading."

Consequently, I found the June issue of Elle, i.e. the "Shape Issue," disconcerting. It's really pushin' the old plastic surgery. Here's a choice quote from a story on different PS procedures: "liposuction is the only way to change your body-fat proportion." "And the sole method for ensuring the tissue grows where you want it is to have a doctor put it there." Niiiice. Reassuring.

I guess it's also good to know that facial fat is divided into 10 distinct compartments. (Seriously though, after reading that I was never more aware of each one. Nor was I ever more grateful for, or nervous about, my ephemeral youth.)

I don't want my fragile, parchment-like eyelids to fall and fuglify me. Snip snip. And I definitely don't want my triangular fat pad to slide down and hollow out my face. Time for a preemptive strike.

I'm probably better off knowing that, God forbid, should my jowls start to sag, the only real way to fix them is through radio-frequency or infrared devices such as Thermage or Titan, respectively; technologies, which "tighten the junction between skin and fat."

In another article, I read about how to make your legs not embarrassing within 24-hours. All you have to do is...

1. Change your diet, i.e eat asparagus and stay away from diet Coke.

Take a shower then immediately slather your legs in cellulite cream. Saran Wrap your legs. Put on a pair of sweats. Then stand on your head.

Early the next day, go to the gym and do "umpteen thousand lunges, squats, kicks, and pliés.

Have a Resculpting Facialist, use a handheld wand that shoots a mild galvanic current into your thighs...for an hour. It "eliminates excess fluids and speeds microcirculation."

Get a glycolic peel and vibradermabrasion.

Have a make-up artist coat your legs in tanner and bronzer.

Seriously?!?! Ridiculousness aside, that regimen sounds damn expensive.

But hey, at least "Good Girl Gone Great," Rihanna, 20,
looks hot on the cover.

Apparently she bristles when she asked about her rumored affair with Jay-Z, 38, which supposedly pissed off Beyoncé, 26. Rihanna denies it of course.

And wouldn't you?!? Who wants people thinking you hooked-up with a guy who looks like the, little person, porn star/comedian, Lester "Beetlejuice" Green?

Left: Beetlejuice. Right: Jay-Z.

Images via Elle and Just Jared.

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